it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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