That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
MIDGETS
????
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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