im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
