My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
