I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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