just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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