I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
my nose is crying tears of wow.
there is glitter all over my balls
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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