all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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