I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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