I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
