Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
