He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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