$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
