If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize