Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think people are normalizing furries
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
