Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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