There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize