but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize