i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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