I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
