I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
