i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
