Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
