Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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