It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
