i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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