You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
