Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
