is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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