ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
