I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
