If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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