hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
