So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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