I puked a lego.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
