your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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