now i know why i became what i already was.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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