Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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