i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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