U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
