im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize