Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
