I just pynch a tree in the face
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Your topless pictures make me question reality
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
