dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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