Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Randomize
