Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
