i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
