I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize