I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
