I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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