you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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