Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
