I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
