I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
